TaviaMaeBradshaw

I need to let something out, but I’m not sure what that something is.

I always say that I know what I want in life and I know who I am. Apparently, for a teenager that’s pretty rare. It’s just that, my whole life, when I really wanted something, or felt really passionate about something, I always knew. Right away. In grade 3 (when I was 8), I told my teacher when I grew up I was going to own a dairy farm. She was shocked. What 8 year old dreams of owning a dairy farm?! Well, my reasoning was quite simple. I wanted to work with animals, but I couldn’t be a vet because that involved surgeries and euthanasia. I couldn’t own a pet store or work in an animal shelter, because I would have to sell those animals. And of couse, a normal “meat farm” was totally out of the question. There was no way I was going to have people slaughtering my animals so people could eat them! So a dairy farm it was! I could have tons of animals, a beautiful farm and still make good money. That was before I found out farms had spiders on them. (And that “farms” are no longer like “Old McDonald’s”.) So if people couldn’t foresee that I was going to be a vegan (or at least a vegetarian) and an animal rights activist, then they weren’t listening to me.

The first time I became a vegetarian was in grade 7 (age… 12?) and that lasted until I was bullied out of it in April of grade 8. Yea, grade 8 was a hell of a year! But apparently, at the time, animal lives were less important to me than being accepted by my peers. Then, in grade 9, I finally got my own brain back, told everyone to fuck the hell off, went vegetarian for 3 months and then became a vegan. It’s been a struggle, I’m not going to pretend I’m perfect. But I try my hardest, and I’m doing a lot better than I used to. (But I NEVER, ever cheat with meat. If I cheat with anything, you can bet it’ll be chocolate…)

Ever since grade 5, people have been telling me to become a lawyer. My friends avoid debates with me at all costs. I always concidered it, and then decided against it, either because of the financial commitment in law school, or the time commitment. This year, I decided it was worth it. I was sitting in my first period Chemistry class, (That’s 75 minutes of Chemistry at 8:15 in the morning! -_-) and my teacher was talking about everything we were going to have to memorize in grade 12 Chemistry. (I took all 3 sciences, Chemistry, Physics & Biology, so I could go into Animal Sciences in University.) The whole time he was talking, all I could think was ‘What the HELL am I doing here?!’ I don’t want to be in a Chemistry class that I have no interest in so that I can major in Biology! What am I going to do in biology anyway?! It’s going to be almost impossible to find a job that agrees with all of my morals. So I dropped the class. I dropped Physics too. I am now planning to go into law and do what I love every day. We did a mock trial in my law class this year, and it was by far the greatest project I have ever been given. I LOVED it! I always knew my improv acting training would come in handy. Cross examination is the biggest rush I have ever gotten in school.

So yea, I do think I know who I am and what I want. It certainly sounds like it, doesn’t it?

So why am I not happy with myself? Physically, whatever, fuck that shit. Society has fucked up my body image forever. No matter what I do about that, I’ll never be happy. But mentally? I always seem to feel confused. I think I know exactly what I want, and then something happens and I’m confused again. Not about animal rights, or gay rights, or pro-choice, or my dream to go into law, but stupid things. Stupid little problems I always thought I was too smart to have.

Although I don’t believe in god, I always find myself thinking back to this one quote. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I don’t believe this either. If that were true, no one would commit suicide. But it applies to my life pretty nicely. Not that god is a thoughtful person, and he’s making sure I don’t go over the edge, but he’s testing to see how far he can push me until I do go over the edge. Here, let’s add it up:

I currently have 2 diseases (Type 1 diabetes & Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) [Did I mention I am absolutely TERRIFIED of needles?]

Apparently I’m having some sort of anxiety attacks (3 in 5 days)

I don’t even want to talk about my extended family problems

I did a 2 day mental test in 2006, and although I don’t have ADD, I have a very short attention span, and over-think EVERYTHING.

I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t really want to think about it.

And let’s get real, that list really isn’t THAT bad. There are people with WAY worse going on in their lives. I was never beaten or molested. I was teased unmercifully for having diabetes when I was younger… I know right, how the hell do people make fun of others for having a disease? Ohh trust me, kids can do it. To the point where I wouldn’t wear bathing suits because I was worried about people seeing my injection sites. But I still have both parents, I’m close with my brother… But, when you haven’t experienced worse, this is as bad as it gets. I’ve never experienced poverty, so I don’t know how it feels. But at least I realize that.

Seriously guys, you have to give me SOME credit. How often do you hear me complaining about my life? I’m not perfect, I DO complain from time-to-time, but I don’t cry everyday. I know that there are children starving, kids who’s parent killed the other. So why is it, that “typical” teenage “girl problems” still hit me so hard?

I thought I had a grip on life, but you turned it upside down, and now I don’t know what to do…

Thanks for letting me vent again tumblr,

I promise, my next post will be happy!(ish) ;P