TaviaMaeBradshaw

I need to let something out, but I’m not sure what that something is.

I always say that I know what I want in life and I know who I am. Apparently, for a teenager that’s pretty rare. It’s just that, my whole life, when I really wanted something, or felt really passionate about something, I always knew. Right away. In grade 3 (when I was 8), I told my teacher when I grew up I was going to own a dairy farm. She was shocked. What 8 year old dreams of owning a dairy farm?! Well, my reasoning was quite simple. I wanted to work with animals, but I couldn’t be a vet because that involved surgeries and euthanasia. I couldn’t own a pet store or work in an animal shelter, because I would have to sell those animals. And of couse, a normal “meat farm” was totally out of the question. There was no way I was going to have people slaughtering my animals so people could eat them! So a dairy farm it was! I could have tons of animals, a beautiful farm and still make good money. That was before I found out farms had spiders on them. (And that “farms” are no longer like “Old McDonald’s”.) So if people couldn’t foresee that I was going to be a vegan (or at least a vegetarian) and an animal rights activist, then they weren’t listening to me.

The first time I became a vegetarian was in grade 7 (age… 12?) and that lasted until I was bullied out of it in April of grade 8. Yea, grade 8 was a hell of a year! But apparently, at the time, animal lives were less important to me than being accepted by my peers. Then, in grade 9, I finally got my own brain back, told everyone to fuck the hell off, went vegetarian for 3 months and then became a vegan. It’s been a struggle, I’m not going to pretend I’m perfect. But I try my hardest, and I’m doing a lot better than I used to. (But I NEVER, ever cheat with meat. If I cheat with anything, you can bet it’ll be chocolate…)

Ever since grade 5, people have been telling me to become a lawyer. My friends avoid debates with me at all costs. I always concidered it, and then decided against it, either because of the financial commitment in law school, or the time commitment. This year, I decided it was worth it. I was sitting in my first period Chemistry class, (That’s 75 minutes of Chemistry at 8:15 in the morning! -_-) and my teacher was talking about everything we were going to have to memorize in grade 12 Chemistry. (I took all 3 sciences, Chemistry, Physics & Biology, so I could go into Animal Sciences in University.) The whole time he was talking, all I could think was ‘What the HELL am I doing here?!’ I don’t want to be in a Chemistry class that I have no interest in so that I can major in Biology! What am I going to do in biology anyway?! It’s going to be almost impossible to find a job that agrees with all of my morals. So I dropped the class. I dropped Physics too. I am now planning to go into law and do what I love every day. We did a mock trial in my law class this year, and it was by far the greatest project I have ever been given. I LOVED it! I always knew my improv acting training would come in handy. Cross examination is the biggest rush I have ever gotten in school.

So yea, I do think I know who I am and what I want. It certainly sounds like it, doesn’t it?

So why am I not happy with myself? Physically, whatever, fuck that shit. Society has fucked up my body image forever. No matter what I do about that, I’ll never be happy. But mentally? I always seem to feel confused. I think I know exactly what I want, and then something happens and I’m confused again. Not about animal rights, or gay rights, or pro-choice, or my dream to go into law, but stupid things. Stupid little problems I always thought I was too smart to have.

Although I don’t believe in god, I always find myself thinking back to this one quote. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I don’t believe this either. If that were true, no one would commit suicide. But it applies to my life pretty nicely. Not that god is a thoughtful person, and he’s making sure I don’t go over the edge, but he’s testing to see how far he can push me until I do go over the edge. Here, let’s add it up:

I currently have 2 diseases (Type 1 diabetes & Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) [Did I mention I am absolutely TERRIFIED of needles?]

Apparently I’m having some sort of anxiety attacks (3 in 5 days)

I don’t even want to talk about my extended family problems

I did a 2 day mental test in 2006, and although I don’t have ADD, I have a very short attention span, and over-think EVERYTHING.

I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t really want to think about it.

And let’s get real, that list really isn’t THAT bad. There are people with WAY worse going on in their lives. I was never beaten or molested. I was teased unmercifully for having diabetes when I was younger… I know right, how the hell do people make fun of others for having a disease? Ohh trust me, kids can do it. To the point where I wouldn’t wear bathing suits because I was worried about people seeing my injection sites. But I still have both parents, I’m close with my brother… But, when you haven’t experienced worse, this is as bad as it gets. I’ve never experienced poverty, so I don’t know how it feels. But at least I realize that.

Seriously guys, you have to give me SOME credit. How often do you hear me complaining about my life? I’m not perfect, I DO complain from time-to-time, but I don’t cry everyday. I know that there are children starving, kids who’s parent killed the other. So why is it, that “typical” teenage “girl problems” still hit me so hard?

I thought I had a grip on life, but you turned it upside down, and now I don’t know what to do…

Thanks for letting me vent again tumblr,

I promise, my next post will be happy!(ish) ;P

I am just in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood.

So maybe I decided I kinda like you. But it’s complicated.

No one would ever approve.

And maybe she likes you too. Which means you’re 100% off limits.

And then there’s sorta him. He’d never forgive me.

But what if you decided you kinda liked me too. Maybe it wouldn’t be so complicated.

Maybe it doesn’t matter if anyone else approves.

You’d never like her. So why can she call claim?

And who asked him anyway? Maybe not talking to him is the best idea.

I promise not to run, and I promise not to hide. Just love me for who I am and I promise to let you inside.